Aliniff's Blog

a version of love..

aliniff — Mon, 23 Jan 2012 02:16:19 +0000

love is God’s gift to his creations.

I have been asking myself what love is, how is it felt, how do i know the other person loves me back, etc etc..

Yesterday, I had an argument with my love one, and I am in fear…fear that i would lose him, that he would leave me. Pretty paranoid..but that is the truth, my feeling for him is too intense, but at the same time I am tired of crying and in constant fear. I have experienced loss before, and with him, it is very hard for me to trust him..

And i tell myself, there is nothing i could do, should anything happen to this relationship, I can’t stop it. God grants me His love through him, and should God wants to take it back, I have to be able to endure it this time. But I pray, that it is our fate to be together, that we are meant for each other till death do us part. But, if our relationship is meant only for temporary, I let it be, its not in my control. I love him, he knows it. and i know he loves me too.

And so, love is God’s greatest gift. Love is not 100% man’s creation. It is given and granted by God alone. Like death, He can take the feeling away. But as humans, we can do any possible means to keep the love. In the end, if he is really ours, we will pass the tests..and be together and be the best of His creations.

choice..

aliniff — Tue, 08 Mar 2011 09:28:03 +0000

if i want to stay with you, i must ensure, you are the guy worth fighting for..that you have all the qualities I seek for in a man..Until then, I must ready to let you go..

And even so, if you are not meant for me, I will let you go knowing I have fight for you the way I know how..

And from this moment on..I promise myself, I won’t demand anything from you, that I will try my best not to suck..and not to ask you to call or report to me whenever or wherever you.

I promise myself I would not want you to stay by my side because of pity..because you think you owe me that much after what we shared.

I love you..the feeling so real, I have doubts but I need to cast aside those doubts to move on with my life..

reconciling w d past, living in d present..

aliniff — Fri, 18 Feb 2011 15:05:33 +0000

its been a while..i have happy moments wit him for d past few mths. talked of being together forever, abt taking d risk and pursue wht’s best for us…

n suddenly, i was disturbed by d image of d past. I was having a leisurely moment wit him, when out of nowhere, my mind went back to those days we were together, it hurts me so much..there was no difference wht we did back then, and wht we are doin now. then, he chose her, with confident that she is d best. Tho he knew how i felt then, he didnt have any bit of a feeling for me..

and now…i let him do me d same. D neediness. d company, he’s always there for me. But, in d end, its them..not me. Can i live with that?

how? what should i do?

I always tot to live in d present, make him happy and not bother with my disturbing thots. But, its so hard. I want to let go, and just live with d pain, still, i couldnt do.

I wish I can forget d past..live and cherish whatever time i have with him..i wish i can enjoy whtever things we hv together.

But i cant put aside tht nagging feeling inside of me. I asked myself just now, can i reconcile with our past, and concentrate wit d future?

ripped..

aliniff — Sat, 25 Dec 2010 04:08:19 +0000

my heart feels so painful, i wish to just forget everything and not think of everything..how can i summon my strength and be that i am before?

this feeling is killing me..

then what?

aliniff — Sat, 04 Dec 2010 11:51:06 +0000

making a decision simply by following your heart and striving to seek for your own happiness..

Not even you can be certain that this is the right choice..life is a gamble..you may be happy with what you choose, maybe you will not..but then, happiness is what is defined by you…along the way, there will be people who might not agree with what you choose, but then again, it may be a cause worth fighting for.

I can’t guarantee my own happiness. But being with you means so much to me..and i want to keep being with you and making you happy..i love you

if i know…

aliniff — Fri, 26 Nov 2010 07:23:57 +0000

if i can see what lies before us in the future..
if only u can assure me i will be in ur heart forever..
even now, i am not reassured by ur intention, behaviour, and feeling..how can i trust my life with u…if i cannot even trust my own feeling towards u..one time, i am so head over heel with u, i can’t do other things except thinking of u..and other time, i doubt this is what i want for myself..

trying to let go..its so hard..but i will triumph over physical neediness and comfort from u..

i’m ready..

aliniff — Sun, 31 Oct 2010 12:30:05 +0000

the other day, i broke down and cried in front of u..feeling so hopeless, so sad, thinking i will let u go..and u told me, u wil not let me go..yet..

u asked me what else u want me to do..and i told u, im ready to let go, anytime, when i am ready..

i may b wrong..

aliniff — Mon, 11 Oct 2010 11:37:07 +0000

i love u…

i’m not a selfish person and i dont want to break ur family..and i dont have the heart n d courage to go all d way wit u..when i read her post, i can’t go on..and be selfish..and im not a competitor..and i can’t stop myself from hurting.

I want to let u go, let u experience once again d joy u once had wit ur family, without me, at ur side. I mayb selfish, leaving u without saying goodbye..but seriously, i cant..after what happened last nite, i know deep down, how can i not demand u to be fair, and how can i not stop myself to demand ur time away from ur family..and i know i will be a jealous freak, and i should let go now, knowing u love me..at least i walk out feeling like a worthy of love, than walking out knowing u dont feel anything for me.
d truth is im scared u will not be feeling any love for me one day..n so, with that fear, i let go now..i cant wait to know what will happen in d future for us..i give myself to Him…for He knows what u r to me..

I want to bury my feeling and if im not meant for u, i will never be..u told me last nite, u can stil control how u feel for me..i want to tell u too that, u will b fine without me, unlike, me-u..it may take a while to forget, but every seconds i have with u, is worth d pain i feel afterward..i cant stop to cry i cant stop to feel, but, d biggest test i have with u, is d loveliest thing god gives to me..d feeling so real, n its nice to know u love me too..i feel it so hard to be honest with u..and i know i’ll b d one to lose in this situation..u know i cant wait any longer..though i want to make u happy and please whenever ur with me..i can’t pretend any longer than i had to..

this is my biggest sacrifice to u, d one and only love i have rite now..

I dunno my feeling for u, yet still..and i dun want to know..how i feel. i know, i cant go on like this, as if i dont care to be hurt..coz i do feel d hurt. pretending i dont feel anything, when deep down, it hurts like hell..i cant pretend any longer that i dont care with what and how i feel, when i know i feel pain knowing that ur ok..

im sorry….i dont have d heart to tell u d truth, about how i feel..pls give me strength..thank u for all things u did for me..i love u..

im not craving for any attention tho i know, this action will raise alarm on ur side..but i cant help myself to feel so hurt..go back 2 ur family..i dont want to b d one..

what i feel..

aliniff — Mon, 11 Oct 2010 10:56:56 +0000

now we talked more abt our future..and he told me decision will have to wait..we see each other often, and i feel more contend than before..

he always broach d subject first and i would simply b more open about how i feel. and he yesterday he told me i should start hinting to my family..

i duno if im ready for this..maybe i am, mayb im not..i leave it to Him.

it’s nice..

aliniff — Fri, 08 Oct 2010 11:43:35 +0000

it’s nice when s1 loves us back. it’s nice when s1 wants to b wit u all d time. it’s nice when s1 cannot stop himself from wanting u, and want to be by ur side..and calls u..

more importantly, it’s nice to know tht s1 wants exactly what u want..